On two occasions in Parshas Behar the Torah instructs us not to afflict our fellow Jew. In the first instance, the Torah states: “When you sell an item to one of your people or buy from one of your people, a man should not afflict his brother. ” A few passukim later, the Torah seemingly repeats itself: “Do not afflict your people and fear your G-d, because I am Hashem, Your G-d. ” Chazal explain that there are two different types of onaah (affliction); the first passuk refers to onaas mammon - affliction relating to money . The second relates to onaas devarim - hurting someone through words . In general Chazal do not compare two specific mitzvos and say that one is greater than another, however, in this instance they compare the two forms of onaah. Initially, one would think that onaas mammon is more severe than onaas devarim because when a person is hurt verbally he does not lose any tangible object, however when he is afflicted financially then he suffers a real loss.
However, surprisingly, the Gemara says that onaas devarim is considered a greater sin than onaas mammon for three different reasons. Firstly, with regard to onaas devarim the passuk says, and you should fear your G-d” but it omits this when discussing onaas mammon. The Maharsha explains that people are more likely to notice when someone is trying to commit onaas mammon but that it is far easier to conceal one’s true intentions to harm people verbally. Someone who harms another financially is aware that people will likely recognize what he is doing but continues regardless. He shows a lack of yiras Hashem because he is unconcerned that Hashem is totally aware of his actions but he also demonstrates no fear of what people think of his actions. A person who harms people in a concealed way demonstrates that he fears people more than Hashem - he is only concerned that people not think he is a cruel person, but he is unconcerned that Hashem knows his true intentions. He is considered on a lower level than one who harms financially because he demonstrates greater concern for the opinion of other people than for Hashem .
Secondly, the Gemara says that onaas mammon merely harms people’s property, whereas onaas devarim is worse because it harms someone’s very being. This particularly refers to a person’s emotional well-being - the damage done to them by a careless word can penetrate to their very essence. A frightening example of this is related by Rav Dov Brezak Shlita: He relates how a well-respected Talmid Chacham in his forties required counseling because of a traumatic childhood experience - on one occasion his mother called him ‘tamay’. That single labeling damaged him so deeply that it stayed with him for the rest of his life. This provides ample indication that harmful words can cause untold damage.
The Gemara continues with a third aspect in which onaas devarim is worse than onaas mammon - if a person deceitfully extracts money from his fellow he can repair the damage by simply returning that which he unjustly took. However, when one harms someone else with words, no amount of apologizing can change the past - those words can never be taken back. It is a common occurrence in relationships, especially in marriage, that a few insensitive words have long-lasting damage and that damage can never be fully healed because those words can never be fully taken back. Perhaps a corollary of this aspect of the severity of onaas devarim is that once harmful words are spoken they can rapidly have a ‘domino effect’ whereby the consequences of these few words can be so far-reaching that it is impossible to ever undo the damage those words had done.
The following story, told over by Rav Dovid Kaplan Shlita, involves a situation where a few cruel words nearly had far-reaching consequences but they were averted by a few kind words: “Raised modern Orthodox, Devoras’s parents instilled in her a respect for rabbis but a critical eye toward chareidim. When she got older, she decided to check it out for herself and davened at the Ponevezh Yeshiva during the Yamim Nora’im. She went back for Simchas Torah. Everything was fine until one of the girls present said to her in a loud voice in front of a crowd of girls, “you don’t come to daven here without wearing stockings!” Devora stormed out. If this was how chareidim behaved she was not interested. However, due to her respect for rabbis, she decided to go speak to Rav Shach. When she arrived at his door, there was a long line of men waiting to go in. When the door opened and the person inside left, they called here in, explaining that women had higher priority. Pleasantly surprised, she related the shocking story to the gadol hador. “They did a big aveirah.” Rav Shach told her. “Maybe it was unintentional, but they are still obligated to ask your forgiveness.” He spoke to her for a long time about how careful we must be to be sensitive to others. She decided during this talk to become more religious. Today she is married to a Rosh Yeshiva and her sons and son-in-laws are talmidei chachamim. ” This story teaches us how much damage one wrong statement can do - it caused this girl great pain and anger, and very nearly prevented her from becoming more observant. It also demonstrates how much good a few thoughtful words can do.
It is very clear from the Gemara how serious the sin of onaas devarim can be, howover it is a very difficult mitzvo to observe properly - we are constantly involved in conversation with other people and it is very easy to hurt their feelings through a thoughtless statement. Moreover, because we speak so much we can forget how serious a sin it is to hurt other people’s feelings. The Chazon Ish once witnessed a man strongly rebuke his young son for moving something on Shabbos that may have been muktza. The Chazon Ish told the man that his son may have transgressed a Rabbinical mitzvo, but that the father had definitely transgressed the Torah mitzvo of onaas devarim.
One technique to help be more watchful of this mitzvo is to develop the attitude that we should be just as careful in it as in all other mitzvos such as kashrus - we would never eat something without being certain that it was permitted to eat it. So too, we need to try to develop a sense of vigilance that what we are about to release from our mouth is permitted. The best way of doing this is by learning the halachos and hashkafo behind it .
It is instructive to end with one final saying of the Chazon Ish - he used to remark that one of the greatest possible sources of joy for a person is that he lived his whole life without causing pain to his fellow Jew - may we all be zocheh to only do good with our speech..
Showing posts with label Behar. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Behar. Show all posts
Sunday, May 8, 2011
PREVENTATIVE ACTION - BEHAR
"If your brother becomes impoverished and his means falter in your proximity, you shall strengthen him - the convert and the resident - so that he can live with you. " Don't let him go down and fall, and then it will be hard to stand him up, rather strengthen him from the time he stretches out his hand. To what is this similar - to a burden that is on a donkey; whilst it is on the donkey one man can support it and keep it up, but if it falls to the ground, even five men cannot raise it back up (Rashi)."
When a person begins a downward spiral towards poverty, the Torah instructs us to prevent his fall before he has nothing. As Rashi explains, it is far easier to help him whilst he still has something rather than to wait until he is penniless. It seems that we can derive from here an important life principle that is not restricted to giving charity. The Sefer, Zichron Meir writes that whilst preventative action is important in gashmius, it is essential in the realm of ruchnius. When a burden falls from a donkey, five men are required to put it back on, but when one falls spiritually, perhaps a hundred people cannot prevent the fall! He further points out that this principle applies to ones own spiritual standing. It is far easier to remove a negative aspect of behavior at its root than when it is well developed. He likens this to a sickness which is easy to cure if it is discovered early, but if it is left unattended, it may spread too far to remove it .
There seem to be two areas in which it is particularly crucial to work on at an early stage, in order to avoid insurmountable challenges later in life; Chinuch (parenting) and Shalom Bayis (peace in the home ). An easy way of addressing these areas is by studying the Torah approach towards them. A person may feel that he is able to deal with any possible challenges by using his common sense. Rav Noach Weinberg zt"l demonstrates the serious error in this attitude. He notes that people routinely spend many years studying in order to pursue a particular career. They recognize the need to be suitably qualified in their chosen field. Most people (hopefully) would agree that their marriage and family life are more important than their career. Nonetheless they expect to ably navigate the numerous challenges that they will face in these areas without investing time to learn more about them. Simply observing the world around us teaches us that having a successful marriage is no easy task - the divorce rate in the secular world is very high and sadly the figures seem to be rising in the Torah world. Similarly, the countless stories of children leaving Yiddishkeit prove that being a good parent is no easy task.
A parent who decides how to bring up his (or her) child purely according to his own beliefs is at risk of making damaging mistakes that could easily be avoided by seeking Daas Torah . Rav Dov Brezak Shilta, a well-known expert in chinuch offers a striking example of this sad phenomenon. He discusses a boy who had totally rejected his parents' lifestyle and was no longer religious. He writes that; "when told that his son does not even pray, this boy's father expressed his amazement. 'I put so much into my son's praying. How do you explain the fact that, in spite of all my efforts, I did not succeed?' The father then proceeded to describe how he had 'taught' his son to pray. 'I was always careful that he should come with me to minyan and sit next to me. During the prayers I didn't even allow myself the luxury of concentrating on my own prayers, for I kept my eye constantly on my son. I made sure that he was following the place in his siddur, and if he would start daydreaming I would immediately step in to make sure that he would get right back to praying.' This very question was presented to the boy himself. His bitter response was: 'There's nothing that I hate so much as praying. I've waited years for the day when I would be old enough to be able to stop praying. Just walking into the shul building gives me a bad feeling. I think it's because my father was so hard on me about praying that it became such an unbearable burden. " One of the striking facts about this sad story is how the father was so convinced that his approach was correct. He had absolutely no idea that it was this approach itself that drove his son away from prayer and Judaism. It is quite possible that had he, at an early stage, asked Daas Torah about how to educate his son in prayer, then he could have realized the potential damage that his chosen method could cause.
Similarly, basic mistakes in marriage can be avoided by attending shiurim, reading books, and speaking to one's Rebbe or Rebbetsin about their issues. It is essential to strive to identify and address difficulties in marriage at an early stage. Sadly, it is not uncommon for a couple to finally go for counseling when their problems are too deep-rooted to be fixed. This lesson also applies to people who have been married and have had children for many years. A person who is already married can nevertheless begin to increase the time and effort he invests into his marriage. Moreover, new challenges often emerge after many years of marriage that require renewed study in order to be dealt with properly. Similarly, a person who is not married or has no children can nevertheless begin preparing himself for marriage and chinuch before he enters these stages in life. As well as studying the appropriate areas he can work on his character traits many years before, making him more able to face future challenges.
We learn from the Parsha that helping someone before they have fallen is far easier than raising them back up after they have nothing. We saw that this principle applies in all areas of life; whether in marriage, chinuch or any other area. By facing challenges at an early stage, one can avoid insurmountable difficulties later in life.
When a person begins a downward spiral towards poverty, the Torah instructs us to prevent his fall before he has nothing. As Rashi explains, it is far easier to help him whilst he still has something rather than to wait until he is penniless. It seems that we can derive from here an important life principle that is not restricted to giving charity. The Sefer, Zichron Meir writes that whilst preventative action is important in gashmius, it is essential in the realm of ruchnius. When a burden falls from a donkey, five men are required to put it back on, but when one falls spiritually, perhaps a hundred people cannot prevent the fall! He further points out that this principle applies to ones own spiritual standing. It is far easier to remove a negative aspect of behavior at its root than when it is well developed. He likens this to a sickness which is easy to cure if it is discovered early, but if it is left unattended, it may spread too far to remove it .
There seem to be two areas in which it is particularly crucial to work on at an early stage, in order to avoid insurmountable challenges later in life; Chinuch (parenting) and Shalom Bayis (peace in the home ). An easy way of addressing these areas is by studying the Torah approach towards them. A person may feel that he is able to deal with any possible challenges by using his common sense. Rav Noach Weinberg zt"l demonstrates the serious error in this attitude. He notes that people routinely spend many years studying in order to pursue a particular career. They recognize the need to be suitably qualified in their chosen field. Most people (hopefully) would agree that their marriage and family life are more important than their career. Nonetheless they expect to ably navigate the numerous challenges that they will face in these areas without investing time to learn more about them. Simply observing the world around us teaches us that having a successful marriage is no easy task - the divorce rate in the secular world is very high and sadly the figures seem to be rising in the Torah world. Similarly, the countless stories of children leaving Yiddishkeit prove that being a good parent is no easy task.
A parent who decides how to bring up his (or her) child purely according to his own beliefs is at risk of making damaging mistakes that could easily be avoided by seeking Daas Torah . Rav Dov Brezak Shilta, a well-known expert in chinuch offers a striking example of this sad phenomenon. He discusses a boy who had totally rejected his parents' lifestyle and was no longer religious. He writes that; "when told that his son does not even pray, this boy's father expressed his amazement. 'I put so much into my son's praying. How do you explain the fact that, in spite of all my efforts, I did not succeed?' The father then proceeded to describe how he had 'taught' his son to pray. 'I was always careful that he should come with me to minyan and sit next to me. During the prayers I didn't even allow myself the luxury of concentrating on my own prayers, for I kept my eye constantly on my son. I made sure that he was following the place in his siddur, and if he would start daydreaming I would immediately step in to make sure that he would get right back to praying.' This very question was presented to the boy himself. His bitter response was: 'There's nothing that I hate so much as praying. I've waited years for the day when I would be old enough to be able to stop praying. Just walking into the shul building gives me a bad feeling. I think it's because my father was so hard on me about praying that it became such an unbearable burden. " One of the striking facts about this sad story is how the father was so convinced that his approach was correct. He had absolutely no idea that it was this approach itself that drove his son away from prayer and Judaism. It is quite possible that had he, at an early stage, asked Daas Torah about how to educate his son in prayer, then he could have realized the potential damage that his chosen method could cause.
Similarly, basic mistakes in marriage can be avoided by attending shiurim, reading books, and speaking to one's Rebbe or Rebbetsin about their issues. It is essential to strive to identify and address difficulties in marriage at an early stage. Sadly, it is not uncommon for a couple to finally go for counseling when their problems are too deep-rooted to be fixed. This lesson also applies to people who have been married and have had children for many years. A person who is already married can nevertheless begin to increase the time and effort he invests into his marriage. Moreover, new challenges often emerge after many years of marriage that require renewed study in order to be dealt with properly. Similarly, a person who is not married or has no children can nevertheless begin preparing himself for marriage and chinuch before he enters these stages in life. As well as studying the appropriate areas he can work on his character traits many years before, making him more able to face future challenges.
We learn from the Parsha that helping someone before they have fallen is far easier than raising them back up after they have nothing. We saw that this principle applies in all areas of life; whether in marriage, chinuch or any other area. By facing challenges at an early stage, one can avoid insurmountable difficulties later in life.
Monday, May 3, 2010
PREVENTATIVE ACTION - BEHAR
"If your brother becomes impoverished and his means falter in your proximity, you shall strengthen him - the convert and the resident - so that he can live with you.[1]" Don't let him go down and fall, and then it will be hard to stand him up, rather strengthen him from the time he stretches out his hand. To what is this similar - to a burden that is on a donkey; whilst it is on the donkey one man can support it and keep it up, but if it falls to the ground, even five men cannot raise it back up (Rashi)."
When a person begins a downward spiral towards poverty, the Torah instructs us to prevent his fall before he has nothing. As Rashi explains, it is far easier to help him whilst he still has something rather than to wait until he is penniless. It seems that we can derive from here an important life principle that is not restricted to giving charity. The Sefer, Zichron Meir writes that whilst preventative action is important in gashmius, it is essential in the realm of ruchnius. When a burden falls from a donkey, five men are required to put it back on, but when one falls spiritually, perhaps a hundred people cannot prevent the fall! He further points out that this principle applies to ones own spiritual standing. It is far easier to remove a negative aspect of behavior at its root than when it is well developed. He likens this to a sickness which is easy to cure if it is discovered early, but if it is left unattended, it may spread too far to remove it[2].
There seem to be two areas in which it is particularly crucial to work on at an early stage, in order to avoid insurmountable challenges later in life; Chinuch (parenting) and Shalom Bayis (peace in the home[3]). An easy way of addressing these areas is by studying the Torah approach towards them. A person may feel that he is able to deal with any possible challenges by using his common sense. Rav Noach Weinberg zt"l demonstrates the serious error in this attitude. He notes that people routinely spend many years studying in order to pursue a particular career. They recognize the need to be suitably qualified in their chosen field. Most people (hopefully) would agree that their marriage and family life are more important than their career. Nonetheless they expect to ably navigate the numerous challenges that they will face in these areas without investing time to learn more about them. Simply observing the world around us teaches us that having a successful marriage is no easy task - the divorce rate in the secular world is very high and sadly the figures seem to be rising in the Torah world. Similarly, the countless stories of children leaving Yiddishkeit prove that being a good parent is no easy task.
A parent who decides how to bring up his (or her) child purely according to his own beliefs is at risk of making damaging mistakes that could easily be avoided by seeking Daas Torah[4]. Rav Dov Brezak Shilta, a well-known expert in chinuch offers a striking example of this sad phenomenon. He discusses a boy who had totally rejected his parents' lifestyle and was no longer religious. He writes that; "when told that his son does not even pray, this boy's father expressed his amazement. 'I put so much into my son's praying. How do you explain the fact that, in spite of all my efforts, I did not succeed?' The father then proceeded to describe how he had 'taught' his son to pray. 'I was always careful that he should come with me to minyan and sit next to me. During the prayers I didn't even allow myself the luxury of concentrating on my own prayers, for I kept my eye constantly on my son. I made sure that he was following the place in his siddur, and if he would start daydreaming I would immediately step in to make sure that he would get right back to praying.' This very question was presented to the boy himself. His bitter response was: 'There's nothing that I hate so much as praying. I've waited years for the day when I would be old enough to be able to stop praying. Just walking into the shul building gives me a bad feeling. I think it's because my father was so hard on me about praying that it became such an unbearable burden.[5]" One of the striking facts about this sad story is how the father was so convinced that his approach was correct. He had absolutely no idea that it was this approach itself that drove his son away from prayer and Judaism. It is quite possible that had he, at an early stage, asked Daas Torah about how to educate his son in prayer, then he could have realized the potential damage that his chosen method could cause.
Similarly, basic mistakes in marriage can be avoided by attending shiurim, reading books, and speaking to one's Rebbe or Rebbetsin about their issues. It is essential to strive to identify and address difficulties in marriage at an early stage. Sadly, it is not uncommon for a couple to finally go for counseling when their problems are too deep-rooted to be fixed. This lesson also applies to people who have been married and have had children for many years. A person who is already married can nevertheless begin to increase the time and effort he invests into his marriage. Moreover, new challenges often emerge after many years of marriage that require renewed study in order to be dealt with properly. Similarly, a person who is not married or has no children can nevertheless begin preparing himself for marriage and chinuch before he enters these stages in life. As well as studying the appropriate areas he can work on his character traits many years before, making him more able to face future challenges.
We learn from the Parsha that helping someone before they have fallen is far easier than raising them back up after they have nothing. We saw that this principle applies in all areas of life; whether in marriage, chinuch or any other area. By facing challenges at an early stage, one can avoid insurmountable difficulties later in life.
[1] Behar, 25:35.
[2] Quoted in Lekach Tov, Parshas Behar, p.261-2.
[3] This term usually specifically refers to marriage as opposed to other relationships.
[4] Literally translated as 'the opinion of Torah' - this refers to views that derive from people whose sole source of wisdom is the Torah,
[5] Brezak, 'Chinuch in Turbulent Times', p.42.
When a person begins a downward spiral towards poverty, the Torah instructs us to prevent his fall before he has nothing. As Rashi explains, it is far easier to help him whilst he still has something rather than to wait until he is penniless. It seems that we can derive from here an important life principle that is not restricted to giving charity. The Sefer, Zichron Meir writes that whilst preventative action is important in gashmius, it is essential in the realm of ruchnius. When a burden falls from a donkey, five men are required to put it back on, but when one falls spiritually, perhaps a hundred people cannot prevent the fall! He further points out that this principle applies to ones own spiritual standing. It is far easier to remove a negative aspect of behavior at its root than when it is well developed. He likens this to a sickness which is easy to cure if it is discovered early, but if it is left unattended, it may spread too far to remove it[2].
There seem to be two areas in which it is particularly crucial to work on at an early stage, in order to avoid insurmountable challenges later in life; Chinuch (parenting) and Shalom Bayis (peace in the home[3]). An easy way of addressing these areas is by studying the Torah approach towards them. A person may feel that he is able to deal with any possible challenges by using his common sense. Rav Noach Weinberg zt"l demonstrates the serious error in this attitude. He notes that people routinely spend many years studying in order to pursue a particular career. They recognize the need to be suitably qualified in their chosen field. Most people (hopefully) would agree that their marriage and family life are more important than their career. Nonetheless they expect to ably navigate the numerous challenges that they will face in these areas without investing time to learn more about them. Simply observing the world around us teaches us that having a successful marriage is no easy task - the divorce rate in the secular world is very high and sadly the figures seem to be rising in the Torah world. Similarly, the countless stories of children leaving Yiddishkeit prove that being a good parent is no easy task.
A parent who decides how to bring up his (or her) child purely according to his own beliefs is at risk of making damaging mistakes that could easily be avoided by seeking Daas Torah[4]. Rav Dov Brezak Shilta, a well-known expert in chinuch offers a striking example of this sad phenomenon. He discusses a boy who had totally rejected his parents' lifestyle and was no longer religious. He writes that; "when told that his son does not even pray, this boy's father expressed his amazement. 'I put so much into my son's praying. How do you explain the fact that, in spite of all my efforts, I did not succeed?' The father then proceeded to describe how he had 'taught' his son to pray. 'I was always careful that he should come with me to minyan and sit next to me. During the prayers I didn't even allow myself the luxury of concentrating on my own prayers, for I kept my eye constantly on my son. I made sure that he was following the place in his siddur, and if he would start daydreaming I would immediately step in to make sure that he would get right back to praying.' This very question was presented to the boy himself. His bitter response was: 'There's nothing that I hate so much as praying. I've waited years for the day when I would be old enough to be able to stop praying. Just walking into the shul building gives me a bad feeling. I think it's because my father was so hard on me about praying that it became such an unbearable burden.[5]" One of the striking facts about this sad story is how the father was so convinced that his approach was correct. He had absolutely no idea that it was this approach itself that drove his son away from prayer and Judaism. It is quite possible that had he, at an early stage, asked Daas Torah about how to educate his son in prayer, then he could have realized the potential damage that his chosen method could cause.
Similarly, basic mistakes in marriage can be avoided by attending shiurim, reading books, and speaking to one's Rebbe or Rebbetsin about their issues. It is essential to strive to identify and address difficulties in marriage at an early stage. Sadly, it is not uncommon for a couple to finally go for counseling when their problems are too deep-rooted to be fixed. This lesson also applies to people who have been married and have had children for many years. A person who is already married can nevertheless begin to increase the time and effort he invests into his marriage. Moreover, new challenges often emerge after many years of marriage that require renewed study in order to be dealt with properly. Similarly, a person who is not married or has no children can nevertheless begin preparing himself for marriage and chinuch before he enters these stages in life. As well as studying the appropriate areas he can work on his character traits many years before, making him more able to face future challenges.
We learn from the Parsha that helping someone before they have fallen is far easier than raising them back up after they have nothing. We saw that this principle applies in all areas of life; whether in marriage, chinuch or any other area. By facing challenges at an early stage, one can avoid insurmountable difficulties later in life.
[1] Behar, 25:35.
[2] Quoted in Lekach Tov, Parshas Behar, p.261-2.
[3] This term usually specifically refers to marriage as opposed to other relationships.
[4] Literally translated as 'the opinion of Torah' - this refers to views that derive from people whose sole source of wisdom is the Torah,
[5] Brezak, 'Chinuch in Turbulent Times', p.42.
HURTFUL WORDS - BEHAR
On two occasions in Parshas Behar the Torah instructs us not to afflict our fellow Jew. In the first instance, the Torah states: “When you sell an item to one of your people or buy from one of your people, a man should not afflict his brother.[1]” A few passukim later, the Torah seemingly repeats itself: “Do not afflict your people and fear your G-d, because I am Hashem, Your G-d.[2]” Chazal explain that there are two different types of onaah (affliction); the first passuk refers to onaas mammon - affliction relating to money[3]. The second relates to onaas devarim - hurting someone through words[4]. In general Chazal do not compare two specific mitzvos and say that one is greater than another, however, in this instance they compare the two forms of onaah. Initially, one would think that onaas mammon is more severe than onaas devarim because when a person is hurt verbally he does not lose any tangible object, however when he is afflicted financially then he suffers a real loss.
However, surprisingly, the Gemara says that onaas devarim is considered a greater sin than onaas mammon for three different reasons. Firstly, with regard to onaas devarim the passuk says, and you should fear your G-d” but it omits this when discussing onaas mammon. The Maharsha explains that people are more likely to notice when someone is trying to commit onaas mammon but that it is far easier to conceal one’s true intentions to harm people verbally. Someone who harms another financially is aware that people will likely recognize what he is doing but continues regardless. He shows a lack of yiras Hashem because he is unconcerned that Hashem is totally aware of his actions but he also demonstrates no fear of what people think of his actions. A person who harms people in a concealed way demonstrates that he fears people more than Hashem - he is only concerned that people not think he is a cruel person, but he is unconcerned that Hashem knows his true intentions. He is considered on a lower level than one who harms financially because he demonstrates greater concern for the opinion of other people than for Hashem[5].
Secondly, the Gemara says that onaas mammon merely harms people’s property, whereas onaas devarim is worse because it harms someone’s very being. This particularly refers to a person’s emotional well-being - the damage done to them by a careless word can penetrate to their very essence. A frightening example of this is related by Rav Dov Brezak Shlita: He relates how a well-respected Talmid Chacham in his forties required counseling because of a traumatic childhood experience - on one occasion his mother called him ‘tamay’. That single labeling damaged him so deeply that it stayed with him for the rest of his life. This provides ample indication that harmful words can cause untold damage.
The Gemara continues with a third aspect in which onaas devarim is worse than onaas mammon - if a person deceitfully extracts money from his fellow he can repair the damage by simply returning that which he unjustly took. However, when one harms someone else with words, no amount of apologizing can change the past - those words can never be taken back. It is a common occurrence in relationships, especially in marriage, that a few insensitive words have long-lasting damage and that damage can never be fully healed because those words can never be fully taken back. Perhaps a corollary of this aspect of the severity of onaas devarim is that once harmful words are spoken they can rapidly have a ‘domino effect’ whereby the consequences of these few words can be so far-reaching that it is impossible to ever undo the damage those words had done.
The following story, told over by Rav Dovid Kaplan Shlita, involves a situation where a few cruel words nearly had far-reaching consequences but they were averted by a few kind words: “Raised modern Orthodox, Devoras’s parents instilled in her a respect for rabbinic but a critical eye toward chareidim. When she got older, she decided to check it out for herself and davened at the Ponevezh Yeshiva during the Yamim Nora’im. She went back for Simchas Torah. Everything was fine until one of the girls present said to her in a loud voice in front of a crowd of girls, “you don’t come to daven here without wearing stockings!” Devora stormed out. If this was how chareidim behaved she was not interested. However, due to her respect for rabbinic, she decided to go speak to Rav Shach. When she arrived at his door, there was a long line of men waiting to go in. When the door opened and the person inside left, they called here in, explaining that women had higher priority. Pleasantly surprised, she related the shocking story to the gadol hador. “They did a big aveirah.” Rav Shach told her. “Maybe it was unintentional, but they are still obligated to ask your forgiveness.” He spoke to her for a long time about how careful we must be to be sensitive to others. She decided during this talk to become more religious. Today she is married to a Rosh Yeshiva and her sons and son-in-laws are talmidei chachamim.[6]” This story teaches us how much damage one wrong statement can do - it caused this girl great pain and anger, and very nearly prevented her from becoming more observant. It also demonstrates how much good a few thoughtful words can do.
It is very clear from the Gemara how serious the sin of onaas devarim can be, howover it is a very difficult mitzvo to observe properly - we are constantly involved in conversation with other people and it is very easy to hurt their feelings through a thoughtless statement. Moreover, because we speak so much we can forget how serious a sin it is to hurt other people’s feelings. The Chazon Ish once witnessed a man strongly rebuke his young son for moving something on Shabbos that may have been muktza. The Chazon Ish told the man that his son may have transgressed a Rabbinical mitzvo, but that the father had definitely transgressed the Torah mitzvo of onaas devarim.
One technique to help be more watchful of this mitzvo is to develop the attitude that we should be just as careful in it as in all other mitzvos such as kashrus - we would never eat something without being certain that it was permitted to eat it. So too, we need to try to develop a sense of vigilance that what we are about to release from our mouth is permitted. The best way of doing this is by learning the halachos and hashkafo behind it[7].
It is instructive to end with one final saying of the Chazon Ish - he used to remark that one of the greatest possible sources of joy is that he lived his whole life without causing pain to his fellow Jew - may we all be zocheh to only do good with our speech..
[1] Behar, 25:14
[2] Behar, 25:18.
[3] Onaas mammon consists of deliberately selling an item for an extortionately high amount or deliberately buying an item for an exceedingly low price.
[4] Bava Metsia, 58b.
[5] Maharsha, Bava Metsia, 58b. He compares this to Chazal’s saying that a ganav is worse than a gazlan because the ganav steals in private because he is worried about people seeing him steal but has no concern that Hashem knows he is stealing, whereas a gazlan steals in public and shows equal disregard for people and Hashem.
[6] Kaplan, Major Impact, p.93-4.
[7] The Sefer Mishpatey Shalom, Ch 7 is a good source for the laws pertaining to onaas devarim.
However, surprisingly, the Gemara says that onaas devarim is considered a greater sin than onaas mammon for three different reasons. Firstly, with regard to onaas devarim the passuk says, and you should fear your G-d” but it omits this when discussing onaas mammon. The Maharsha explains that people are more likely to notice when someone is trying to commit onaas mammon but that it is far easier to conceal one’s true intentions to harm people verbally. Someone who harms another financially is aware that people will likely recognize what he is doing but continues regardless. He shows a lack of yiras Hashem because he is unconcerned that Hashem is totally aware of his actions but he also demonstrates no fear of what people think of his actions. A person who harms people in a concealed way demonstrates that he fears people more than Hashem - he is only concerned that people not think he is a cruel person, but he is unconcerned that Hashem knows his true intentions. He is considered on a lower level than one who harms financially because he demonstrates greater concern for the opinion of other people than for Hashem[5].
Secondly, the Gemara says that onaas mammon merely harms people’s property, whereas onaas devarim is worse because it harms someone’s very being. This particularly refers to a person’s emotional well-being - the damage done to them by a careless word can penetrate to their very essence. A frightening example of this is related by Rav Dov Brezak Shlita: He relates how a well-respected Talmid Chacham in his forties required counseling because of a traumatic childhood experience - on one occasion his mother called him ‘tamay’. That single labeling damaged him so deeply that it stayed with him for the rest of his life. This provides ample indication that harmful words can cause untold damage.
The Gemara continues with a third aspect in which onaas devarim is worse than onaas mammon - if a person deceitfully extracts money from his fellow he can repair the damage by simply returning that which he unjustly took. However, when one harms someone else with words, no amount of apologizing can change the past - those words can never be taken back. It is a common occurrence in relationships, especially in marriage, that a few insensitive words have long-lasting damage and that damage can never be fully healed because those words can never be fully taken back. Perhaps a corollary of this aspect of the severity of onaas devarim is that once harmful words are spoken they can rapidly have a ‘domino effect’ whereby the consequences of these few words can be so far-reaching that it is impossible to ever undo the damage those words had done.
The following story, told over by Rav Dovid Kaplan Shlita, involves a situation where a few cruel words nearly had far-reaching consequences but they were averted by a few kind words: “Raised modern Orthodox, Devoras’s parents instilled in her a respect for rabbinic but a critical eye toward chareidim. When she got older, she decided to check it out for herself and davened at the Ponevezh Yeshiva during the Yamim Nora’im. She went back for Simchas Torah. Everything was fine until one of the girls present said to her in a loud voice in front of a crowd of girls, “you don’t come to daven here without wearing stockings!” Devora stormed out. If this was how chareidim behaved she was not interested. However, due to her respect for rabbinic, she decided to go speak to Rav Shach. When she arrived at his door, there was a long line of men waiting to go in. When the door opened and the person inside left, they called here in, explaining that women had higher priority. Pleasantly surprised, she related the shocking story to the gadol hador. “They did a big aveirah.” Rav Shach told her. “Maybe it was unintentional, but they are still obligated to ask your forgiveness.” He spoke to her for a long time about how careful we must be to be sensitive to others. She decided during this talk to become more religious. Today she is married to a Rosh Yeshiva and her sons and son-in-laws are talmidei chachamim.[6]” This story teaches us how much damage one wrong statement can do - it caused this girl great pain and anger, and very nearly prevented her from becoming more observant. It also demonstrates how much good a few thoughtful words can do.
It is very clear from the Gemara how serious the sin of onaas devarim can be, howover it is a very difficult mitzvo to observe properly - we are constantly involved in conversation with other people and it is very easy to hurt their feelings through a thoughtless statement. Moreover, because we speak so much we can forget how serious a sin it is to hurt other people’s feelings. The Chazon Ish once witnessed a man strongly rebuke his young son for moving something on Shabbos that may have been muktza. The Chazon Ish told the man that his son may have transgressed a Rabbinical mitzvo, but that the father had definitely transgressed the Torah mitzvo of onaas devarim.
One technique to help be more watchful of this mitzvo is to develop the attitude that we should be just as careful in it as in all other mitzvos such as kashrus - we would never eat something without being certain that it was permitted to eat it. So too, we need to try to develop a sense of vigilance that what we are about to release from our mouth is permitted. The best way of doing this is by learning the halachos and hashkafo behind it[7].
It is instructive to end with one final saying of the Chazon Ish - he used to remark that one of the greatest possible sources of joy is that he lived his whole life without causing pain to his fellow Jew - may we all be zocheh to only do good with our speech..
[1] Behar, 25:14
[2] Behar, 25:18.
[3] Onaas mammon consists of deliberately selling an item for an extortionately high amount or deliberately buying an item for an exceedingly low price.
[4] Bava Metsia, 58b.
[5] Maharsha, Bava Metsia, 58b. He compares this to Chazal’s saying that a ganav is worse than a gazlan because the ganav steals in private because he is worried about people seeing him steal but has no concern that Hashem knows he is stealing, whereas a gazlan steals in public and shows equal disregard for people and Hashem.
[6] Kaplan, Major Impact, p.93-4.
[7] The Sefer Mishpatey Shalom, Ch 7 is a good source for the laws pertaining to onaas devarim.
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