THE BENEFIT OF RELATIONSHIPS - SHEMINI

Parshas Shemini gives the account of the tragic deaths of Aaron’s two eldest sons, Nadav and Avihu. At the climax of the inauguration of the Mishkan (Tabernacle), the two men entered the Holy of Holies and brought their own incense without having been commanded to do so. After they entered, a fire came forth and consumed them. Chazal offer several explanations as to the exact nature of their mistake: The Chasam Sofer brings a Medrash that offers three reasons as to their sin: They made a decision without consulting their teacher, Moshe Rabbeinu; they entered the Mishkan intoxicated with wine; they did not get married or have children. These three reasons seem to be totally unrelated to each other however the Chasam Sofer explains that they all emanate from the same source.

He writes that the defining sin of the three was their choice to not get married and the consequence that they had no children. He explains that there are many Mitzvos that involve the necessity to ascribe honor to certain people, and, lehavdil, to HaShem. These include the Mitzvos to honor and fear one’s parents and teachers, and the various laws with regard to one’s conduct in the Mishkan. Having one’s own children plays a key role in helping a person to develop a far greater recognition of the importance of being respected. He experiences first-hand, the unpleasantness of not being properly respected by his children. This helps him internalize how important it is for him to honor his parents, teachers, and, most importantly, HaShem.

Nadav and Avihu chose not to get married and consequently remained childless. This hindered them from developing the proper appreciation of the need to honor others. As a result, they stumbled in other areas relating to honor: They failed to consult with their teacher Moshe, indicating a lacking in giving sufficient honor to their teacher. Likewise, their entering the Mishkan whilst intoxicated with wine indicated a failing in their honor for the Divine Presence that dwelled there. Thus, according to the Chasam Sofer, the defining sin of Nadav and Avihu was their reluctance to have children – this was responsible for their failing in the area of giving kavod (honor).

It is possible to add that some of the other sins enumerated in the Rabbinical sources also originate from a lacking in the trait of kavod. In Parshas Mishpatim, we are told Moshe, Nadav and Avihu, along with the seveny Elders, witnessed a sublime prophecy. The Torah writes that Nadav and Avihu, and the Elders “gazed at G-d, yet they ate and drank”. The Medrash Tanchuma, quoted by Rashi, says that Nadav and Avihu and the elders sinned grievously by eating and drinking whilst gazing at the sacred vision. They deserved to die at that moment, but G-d did not punish them right then, in order not to mar the joy of the giving of the Torah. Rather, their punishment was deferred till a later date. Again, it is clear that the key fault here was the lack of sufficient fear and honor for the Divine Presence.
Moreover, the most explicit reason for their sin is the Torah’s words that they offered up the incense even though they were never commanded to. The commentaries explain that in their great love for HaShem, they were inspired to enter the Mishkan themselves. Despite their lofty intentions, performing a service without being instructed to do so, also seems to constitute a lack of sufficient fear and honor for HaShem.

We have seen from the explanation of the Chasam Sofer that the failure of Nadav and Avihu to have children resulted in the various sins that Chazal find them culpable of, and that the root of these sins was a failing to give proper honor. This explanation sheds light on an important principle in Torah thought with regard to inter-personal relationships. In the secular world, it is common to view relationships from the perspective of, “what can I get out of this relationship”, whether it applies to marriage, child rearing, or friendships. In this way, the goal of the relationship is essentially selfish, and it perhaps explains why the institution of marriage and the parent-child relationships have been so damaged in recent generations. If a person’s goals in a relationship are primarily selfish, then his desires and hopes will inevitably clash with those of his partner or child, who has similarly selfish desires. Moreover, if a person perceives that getting married or having children will hinder his life enjoyment then he will refrain from them in his vain quest for pleasure and comfort.

The Chasam Sofer teaches us that one of the main purposes of having children is to enable a person to grow in ways that he would otherwise be unable to. The same applies to marriage and all other relationships. The Torah outlook is that a person should approach his relationships from a selfless point of view – focusing on how he can help the other members of the relationship, and how he can grow from the relationship into a better person. As in all aspects of life, our relationships are there to help us grow closer to HaShem, therefore it is essential that we strive to develop such relationships even if they may reduce our comfort level, because we understand that they will enable us to become complete people in a way that Nadav and Avihu never merited.

ACQUIRING A FRIEND - SHEMINI

The Parsha begins with the joyful celebrations of the Inauguration of the Mishkan (tabernacle), however this joyous occasion becomes a time of mourning with the sudden deaths of Aaron’s two oldest sons, Nadav and Avihu. "The sons of Aharon, Nadav and Avihu, each took his fire pan, they put fire in them and placed incense upon it; and they brought before Hashem an alien fire that He had not commanded them. A fire came forth from before Hashem and consumed them, and they died before Hashem.[1]"

Chazal offer a number of explanations as to the exact wrongdoing of these two great men which caused them to receive such a strict punishment. The Toras Kohanim[2] writes: “...Nadav and Avihu did not seek advice from Moshe.. and each man went on his own accord and they did not seek advice from each other.” This Midrash teaches us that Nadav and Avihu did not actually go to offer the incense together, rather they each had the same idea and went alone to offer the incense in the Mishkan. They are criticized because they did not seek advice from their Rebbe, Moshe Rabbeinu, before undertaking this bold act, and also because they did not seek advice from each other. Rav Berel Soleveitchik zt”l asks that this Midrash is very difficult to understand; it is obvious why they should have consulted Moshe Rabbeinu because he would have surely advised them to not offer the incense, however why are they criticized for not consulting with each other? They both evidently believed in the correctness of their plan and so what benefit would have been gained from consulting each other - surely they would have merely confirmed that the plan was a good one?!

Rav Soleveitchik answers that we learn from here a fundamental principle in human nature; A person may want to commit a certain sin and yet he may simultaneously see the flaw in such an action when his friend is about to commit the very same sin. This is because each person is greatly influenced by his yetser hara which prevents him from making decisions with objectivity. Rather, the yetser hara clouds his reasoning and causes him to rationalize that it is acceptable to undertake certain forbidden actions. However, when this same person looks on his friend about to perform the very same sin he is able to take a far more objective attitude towards his friend’s actions. This is because with regard to others a person is not clouded by a desire for self-gratification and he can more accurately assess the validity of his friend’s plans. Accordingly, had Nadav consulted Avihu about his plan (or vice versa) then there would have been a good chance that Avihu would have seen the flaw in his brother’s reasoning despite the fact that he planned to do the very same act! That is why they are criticized for not consulting each other despite the fact that they both planned to do the same sin[3].

Rabbeinu Yonah brings out this principle from the teaching in Avos: “...Acquire for yourself a friend.[4]” He writes that one of the benefits of having a friend is that he can help you in observing Mitzvos. “Even when a friend is no more righteous than him and sometimes he even acts improperly, nonetheless he does not want a friend to do the same [action], because he has no benefit from it.[5]” He then brings as a proof to this idea the principle that “a person does not sin on behalf of someone else.” This means that a generally observant person usually sins because he is blinded by some kind of desire for pleasure, however with regard to someone else we presume that he is not blinded in the same way and therefore we do not suspect him of sinning on behalf of others. This idea is applied in a number of places throughout the Gemara[6]. Rabbeinu Yonah thus teaches us the importance of acquiring at least one friend who can act as an objective onlooker towards our own actions, and that this friend need not necessarily be on a higher level than ourselves.

We learn from these ideas a very important life lesson; a person should not rely on his own assessments of his actions - it is impossible to be purely objective when making decisions because of one’s natural subjectivity that causes him to rationalize the validity of doing certain aveiros. Rather, he must realize the necessity of finding a friend who will be prepared to offer advice and even rebuke when necessary when he sees that his friend is blinded by his desires. May we all merit to acquire true friends who can help us find the true path of Avodas Hashem.


[1] Shemini, 10:1-2.
[2] Toras Kohanim, 1:32; this is a Midrashic work written specifically on the book of Vayikra.
[3] Quoted by Tallelei Oros, Parshas Shemini, p.165-6.
[4] Avos, 1:6.
[5] Rabbeinu Yonah, Avos, 1:6.
[6] Bava Metsia, 5b, Kiddushin, 63b, Shevuos, 42b, Arachin, 23a.